I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
