just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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