Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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