I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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