Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
