So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
