My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
