Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
