Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
