I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
