I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
