Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Randomize
