I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You dont lie about slip and slides
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
