there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
