your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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