i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
