11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I think im going to throw up on grandma
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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