Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
