my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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