She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
