My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
