do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
