The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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