If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
