I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just had sex on a roof
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
