Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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