hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
