CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
