I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
time to smoke my breakfast
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
