I just gift wrapped bread.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
