Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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