Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
