Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
