I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
