I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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