My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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