So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
