If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
