hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
