My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
