Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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