Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
