sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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