hell yes lets make some ravioli
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
