Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
