Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
