the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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