hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
