I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
