wat bout pragnant strippers??
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
