The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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