Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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