Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
