then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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