I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
