if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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