I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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