What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
God I need to hump something, right now.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize