I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
