I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize