I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
